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Submitted by: Tanya Adams
I didn't get married in order to get divorced; I meant my vows when I spoke them and I'm sure he did too. So when my marriage fell apart after almost ten years, I was devastated. I felt like I was nothing, that I was a huge failure.
Luckily I had family, friends, and coworkers to support me through the aftermath, but they couldn't be with me all of the time. Not at night when they were tending to their own families. And they certainly couldn't be there on my lengthy drive to and from work. I did a lot of crying in the car on the way home, feeling kicked and beaten down, certain that I was unlovable. After one such exhausting sob session, when the negative voices in my head were becoming a little too loud, I knew I had to do something to stop them. The only way I knew how to do that was to drown them out.
I've always loved music and have an extensive collection of songs, something to suit almost every mood. That evening I opened up my iTunes and created a playlist called "I Am Tanya; Hear Me Roar," consisting of every ego-boosting song I could think of from my library, and transferred it to my iPod. On my drive home the next day, it was car-karaoke time.
"First I was afraid, I was petrified - kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong - and I grew strong - and I learned how to get along."
Oh, that song hit home. Gloria knew exactly what I was feeling, and I didn't feel so alone anymore. I belted that song out at the top of my lungs, pouring all of my feelings into it, not caring if any of the other drivers on the road noticed or not. As long as I concentrated on what I was singing, I couldn't hear the inner voices blaming me for everything.
"I Will Survive" was my anthem, my call to arms; I sang along to it every day. It was like a wish-fulfillment. It didn't happen overnight, of course, but the more I played that song and that playlist and sang along, the more I eventually came to believe that I was not a terrible person, that I was not a failure - I was strong, loved by my family and friends, and I would make it through.
I still have that playlist, although I've since graduated from the iPod so now it's on my phone. I keep tinkering with the list, adding some songs, removing others. But Gloria is still there and always will be, ready to sing to me the next time I need a reminder that I will indeed survive.
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